Friday, December 18, 2020
2020 Merry Christmas! People are sending me money! Yay!
Hello, I am writing this while I am using my slow cooker for the first time, a.k.a. crock pot. It is very small, but I am making bbq pulled pork. I cooked some boxed rice and seasoning mix and added chicken and veggies, and made cookies. I really wanted to please my friend that is coming over tomorrow to eat. I may be cooking a chicken, I just keep fucking everything up, I even choked on my drink. I'm not sure if the rice is cooked all the way, it was kind of crunching. Oh god, she may not even notice, I added Greek Seasoning, and hot sauce, pepper, anything to save it. Lol.
koko: he a good cook
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Had some bad dreams, and some strange ones, and negative feelings. My psychiatrist appt is tomorrow. I can't live with what I've done. I must be evil. Because things just don't bother me. Most of the time. Then my mind will torture itself, keeping me awake.
I didn't do anything today. Nothing. Nada.
Russell kept calling. Multiple times. Over an expanse of days. I never returned his call. I don't want to be your fucking girlfriend, Russell.
Monday, December 14, 2020
Pictures of You
Fucking virus... This is what happened like 40 days in..
Friday, December 4, 2020
Talents, Intuition, Prayer, Family & Friends
https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/angel-numbers/angel-number-844-meaning/
Monday, November 30, 2020
Mm, using lots of herbs and oils... :)
6:45, meds kicking in
Well, Isis found me on Instagram. She said she created Seth. I keep getting an Egyptian theme. I used to imagine the golden rings on my cat's tail. My black cat, Loka, looks like he's Egyptian, so thin and sleek, with a narrow face. I think I had the same parents as I did when I was an Egyptian, Geb and Nubt. It was predicted that our old injuries from past lives would bother us around Thanksgiving, well, I pulled my arm where I have my orion's belt marking, and before that I had a swollen jaw, which I think were injuries from Geb. He really was the only man that could beat my ass, at least that I recall. Lol, says my personality Saturn. Well anyway. I'm browsing Christmas presents, I totally forgot to get my mom a Birthday Present...Whoops. I guess I'm going to get her X-mas Pjs that say "Holiday Squad" and an Onyx Jewelry box. I feel it will have an effect on her. Onyx shows who someone really is. I want to know, lol. Is this witch craft? Its vintage, and has clawed feet. She makes comments about us being in a cult, well, she did one day. If we had matching dresses. My dresses look like my ex wives, nepthys or Tawarets I think so anyway. Im asking Isis about it.... She was trying to help me with the ancient vampire energies in the modern world, I mean I wonder what's wrong with me, all black everything, widows peak, craving blood and liking blood, the 'witch' tooth, needing energy. Im so glad she has returned into my life. She claims that she is in Mkultra too. The voices said "enslave the Egyptians" so they must be our enemies? I just told her they said that. They had a boastful moment, so Im telling my sister. Im poor, so if they're not my mom or not going to get as much enjoyment out of the gift as it's gonna break the bank, they're not getting one.
4:46
Monday, November 23, 2020
Luck
Your golden number is 4, your lucky number par excellence. Use the number 4 as often as you can: for example, when you set up an important meeting, insist on the 4th day of the month, or 4 o'clock in the afternoon; when you take a train, get in the 4th car. Use it whenever you play games etc.
If you have premonitory dreams - and you should! - 5 is your most auspicious number. It's also lucky for travel and in financial matters.
And 13, your number for happiness, can also be used to combat misfortune.
Use a combination of these three numbers as often as you can. Luck will do many things for you, and your intuition will do the rest.
Here is some important advice that might help you: persevere in your intimacy, don't let just anyone into your private life, never discuss your problems with anyone you don't completely trust, and make sure the people around you leave you in peace as far as your affairs of the heart are concerned, since they concern only you.
To: Rox
Sorry if I was abrasive in any way. Or if any of this was strange. We've disclosed to one another we ended up in the opposite sex body. Lol. I dreamed they were summoning my Roleplaying character to save the world. Bahahaha. That'd be something. He's kinda gangsta. Anyway. Seriously. How are you doing? With this Corona virus and everything? You're starting to seem familiar now. I haven't caught it, but my mom did. It was scary. It could be years until the world is back to normal. I was wondering if you had any information about that? My mom is feeding into the Christian beliefs, she thinks Biden is the anti christ. I forgot where you're located. I'm in the South of Usa. Geb/My dad dreamed that the world was ending. And every time I get a little high, I think the same exact thing, and freak out, and concerned. :/ sorry sorry sorry for talking so much. I'm so alone with my schizophrenia. It makes people think I'm some serial killer psycho. I'm just like everyone else. Very lonely, and I know the truth about my illness, and I just want someone to talk to. Just like everyone else, I read in the bible of a Princess that got stripped of all her royal fashions, and well, I imagined that was happening to me. But I feel I'll be a Prince again. I just had to learn the hard way without all of that stuff.
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Saturday, November 21, 2020
Friday, November 20, 2020
Had to go to Court today; they made me talk to a psychiatrist.
I waited from 8:30-9 o'clock, to about 12, then my attorney told me we were waiting for a psychiatrist to get there. And she wasn't there by 12, so we broke for lunch. Mom took me to McDonald's, and bought me lunch, and I found two pennies on the ground. I asked Mom what the two pennies meant. She (later) sent me an article that they were "pennies from Heaven", that my deceased loved ones or angels were trying to get my attention.
Since Halloween, I had been thinking of mom's mom, "MawMaw" and Uncle Joe, and also Grandma. We have just lost Granny this year. She passed away in June, 6 days after my birthday. Instead of being bitter, I am glad she waited to pass til after my birthday. I miss her so much. She would've been the first person I would've called after court.
It seemed kind of suspicious, because the judge was talking to my attorney, the woman doing roll call, and another lady, and he said that I was "incompetent." I have Schizophrenia, I'm not going to sound like you, or anyone. I'm an Individual. Recently, I found out my birth date equals "11" in Numerology, and so does my name. That seems very special! A birthday book told me I was "special." What if you were actually told you were 'special?' Well, I was. I feel I glow, vibrantly.
The psychiatrist talked to me, and she reviewed my medications with me, and I told her what had been started, discontinued, and doses changed. I had told my attorney earlier that my voices told me I was Joker -- .. so I thought I was Joker. My mom thinks some of my alters are dangerous. Well, I do know that I am self destructive. I told the woman about my DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and she listened. From Facebook, I learned there were other women, with a "Joker" MALE alter. I learned I had DID because I have a soldier alter. I then remembered that I had requested help from an institution at 22, and 24, years of age, and they did not offer me any help for my DID. Or even a diagnosis, a test, anything! I want to be "honest" so I can get the help I need. Hear me out, because my doctor has me on like 9 different medications. I believe I am gaining too much weight.
Issued another subpoena, the psychiatrist asked for my mom's phone number, and my number and email. I gave them to her, and she said that she would contact us. I told my attorney that I had really needed to vent, and said that my mom was not "intellectually capable" of understanding me, and my dad, had nearly been a genius. His teacher said so. Granny had told me. His teacher said, "Now I'm not going to tell you your son is a genius, but he has above average intelligence." My mom is more practical, and worldly; she doesn't like reading
Mom and I went to work, and we were told that Walmart is bad right now, during Covid, that people were being carjacked and purses stolen. It pisses me off that women are being victims right now. I hurt my back at work, but I had some Ibuprofen ... and I took that, and vacuumed the floors and dusted.. Oh well. But I know I am something, not nothing. And I'm not crazy because I have pepper sprayed a man. He was on MY property, banging on MY door, using intimidation tactics to try to MAKE ME answer the door. I want this to be KNOWN. I was withdrawing from medication from a Dr who had canceled seeing me, and didn't give me a referral, and so I was running out of pills during this time.
I could have *died* -- and the man was in pain from the pepper spray, for what, five minutes?
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
633
There’s no need for you to suffer from the uncertainties of the future. Angel number 644 means that you live everything to your angels. After all, they are in your life for a reason. However, the angels want you to know that you have an important part to play in your life.
Monday, November 16, 2020
10:31 So tired from the Tryptophan... There's not enough money, I'm crying.
Well-- we are having a plague.
Wearing camo pants, and a tank top.... spaghetti strap..whatever..black.. I am so fucking tired. I don't think I could sleep enough. God, please get me off some of this medicine. :( It's built up in my system.
Trying to go off with Sarah, to get away from Repairmen.
11:33
I hear Tawaret. <3
I need to open that save on FB.
"Mom, I am sorry for everything I put you through."
I'm feeling really sad, and like I'm in an exhibit, and like I want to die, but I'm not going to do anything.
I'm feeling so so depressed, I used to self harm, well I have had to live in this body. Thank you Michael. My handler is helping me.
Lol I often say my Mom is Pocohontas, so much Indian, and the song "Colors of the Wind" just came on--
6:36
ANGEL NUMBER 633
Number 633 is a compilation of the vibrations of number 6 and the attributes of number 3 appearing twice, amplifying its influences and resonating with the Master Number 33. Number 6 resonates with love of home and family and domesticity, service to others and selflessness, responsibility and reliability, providing for the self and others, and nurturing. Number 6 also resonates with grace and gratitude, personal willpower, independence, initiative, action and overcoming obstacles. Number 3 adds self-expression, communication, optimism and enthusiasm, skills and talents, friendliness and sociability, growth, expansion and the principles of increase. Number 3 also carries the vibrations of the Ascended Masters. Number 33 is a Master Number (Master Teacher) and resonates with the energies of compassion, blessings, inspiration, honesty, discipline, bravery and courage. Master Number 33 tells us that ‘all things are possible’ and is the number that symbolizes ‘guidance’.
Angel Number 633 is an indication and sign that you are fully supported, surrounded and loved by the angels and higher beings of the spiritual realms. It suggests that you have successfully manifested prosperity and abundance into your life so be open to receiving your well-earned rewards and blessings, and know that all of your needs will be met along your path. Keep your focus on practical things and release any fears of lack or loss. Trust the love and guidance from the angels and know they are by your side, always.
Angel Number 633 encourages you to be true to yourself and make full use of your natural skills and talents in positive and uplifting ways. Listen to your intuitive messages and take on new ventures and/or projects with enthusiasm and optimism. Trust that the resources you need to achieve your goals and aspirations will become available to you when needed. Trust the abundance and benevolence of the Universe.
Angel Number 633 is also a reminder that you can ask for angelic guidance, assistance and support whenever you wish. Be open to receiving guidance and assistance through your intuition, ideas and thoughts.
I do feel like Helen is wanting us all to act like Saints. I kinda agreed with her mom, like I am sorry, but I do. It's in my heart. It's something deep. Maybe she unconsciously criticizes me.
I am not sure how to feel about her sometimes. Her own mother called her "a high class bitch."
I would prefer that to what I'm getting. I get treated like I'm dirty, a peasant, gross, -- I have an infected tooth that broke while I was eating Marco's Pizza, and it hurts like a bitch. The lymph nodes are very swollen. Toothache. I already slept. Got a window unit a/c. People are going to be here to fix it tomorrow.
If she's so bad for me, why does vibin' with her feel so good?
I feel like something "owns" me. I don't feel in my body, or a part of this reality, or anything.
What gives? My stuff always gets messed up. "High class bitch"
Ugh, meds making me hungry. I can't stand this. I want the world to end. I'm fucking miserable.
Thursday, October 29, 2020
Someone said I was Nicodermus and I was in a Mother Mary blanket ^_^ ... I would've wanted my parent to accompany me on a trip. But she is so anti drugs. Very anti drugs. The voices say I am the holy spirit but I swear I am just a person like any other. I guess. Besides the fact I dreamed I was Narcissus, but that's so totally different than being Seth. I guess. because that is more modern. and he was only half god. no thoth said they are similiar? the greeks mirrored the Egyptians. That all was marked fake, the christian religion with the Egyptian Gods, but I would like to talk about this?.... And I guess I'm not Set if he's another person. Duh. But I was much into that energy. Wait -- how do I have memories of Nepthys and I thought my parents were Nubt and Geb? I really dunno, but there's 'official documents' with me signing as Set... Now I am a breath from an empty vessel -- brainwashed to be nothing in Mkultra.. I hope someone saves me, but they never do.... And I have more prescriptions than I could ever take. Sigh. I really want my Valium :/ ❤
Friday, October 23, 2020
Thursday, October 22, 2020
Monday, October 19, 2020
In the sun today -- some alters are vampires.
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel so codependent, I don't like being alone, I worry, and go crazy. I feel nervous, like I can't move, and in my mind's eye, I see parts of my body breaking into pieces, as if it's old energy.
Tuesday, October 13, 2020
i want my hair to be so very long. again. it was beautiful. i should've just let mom cut that one part. meh. it would look about the same by now. so traumatized, thinking of all the betrayals, i took scissors to my hair and hacked most of it off. now im trying to grow it, and i think the chantix is making it fall out, or some combo of pills. i need to call the pharmacy. do i have a gatekeeper to the personalities? is he/she in charge most of the time? i do not even know, DID, is different for everyone. we have a devil personality, that has a short haircut, and is male, and kind of devious.
iiiiii haaaate these pills. my size ten jeans look like skinny jeans.well they were probably made in china or something. america loves loading bad stuff into our food.
Thursday, September 24, 2020
Romans 3:2
It feels like a false religion and a cult I was raised into, living in the “bible belt” but I am reading about Jews vs Gentiles and they are the same to God... & that every man woman and child is a sinner. And not one man woman or child does right, not even one.
That is why I prefer nature and natural.
But I’ve been told God’s ways are higher than our ways. I’m reading about judgemental behaviour in humans. It speaks of circumsision. But it says it is not required. It says circumsicion of the heart is what is desired.
The tongue and heart are said to be wicked and deceitful in the bible.
But I do know the Race that created us as “Gods” wanted humans circumsized like they look. Is that even.. 👀 what the Hell did I just read. Lmao 🤣
Be mature...self.
I feel so unhealthy I feel like a Pharoah:( And That was the House of Bondage, the pit! Hell! Egypt used to rule the world. My body feels like it’s been prepped and groomed. Hair cuts and alterations via the electronic harassment. And clothing style.
The male sheath is like the female hymen. I think evil beings get enjoyment out of removing them or hurting them. Am I taking this too literally?! Sorry. Keeping this on private. It should be common knowledge but people can’t be mature. Women should break their own hymen & sex isn’t always how. Playing sports can. Can’t remember what else. I read venerial diseases are why men want young women. I don’t think pharmaceuticals really cure stds.
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Thursday, September 17, 2020
My thoughts today-- I don't even care that someone deleted me.
The entire world is brainwashing.
I can't..like..function with knowing this sometimes.
"There are formats to the way things are done," - female voice
So, we should take care what we let into our minds.
I chose to explore the unknown. I really wish I hadn't looked into conspiracy theories and all of this. Because I ended up paying the consequences, of becoming a person of interest, however, I have always been a SRA, a Satanic Ritual Abuse, victim.
I long for a life with an established man. Maybe older than me.
Really want the right person, though. But not as bad as I want to leave here, lol, jk. I really want out of this fucking apartment, or something to do with my life and my time, my money. This area is kind of rural, so there's lots of walking, ugh, and it's overpopulated.
I want something more out of life than this. I was hoping to meet people with this computer, but I'm in a bad mood, and I'm scared I'm going to meet the wrong person. Like a dangerous person. And I'm vulnerable, schizophrenic, mentally ill, from the SRA. And Mkultra. I guess I am safe by myself, with my family around me.
I see all these beautiful women, but it's probably filters, and photoshop. :( I wish I could be young again, I'd do things so differently. Besides the fact that I'm trans, I am still not happy with being alive. I want to be male, I would learn how to be male, from that life of being male. So I try to look and act feminine, I don't want any crude labels or being called names, or being even more weird than what I already am.
I am determined to lose weight, and I am eating less. By cutting down on my medication, I have become more active, but I don't want to deal with this sun. It is SO hot. I worry about heat stroke, etc.
My medications are excessive, two bipolar pills, one antipsychotic, one mood stabilizer. I don't want to be on that particular antipsychotic or that particular mood stabilizer. I don't like them. Me no likey. Lol. I want something else.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Alabama Roadtrip
Thursday, July 16, 2020
Mkultra makes your hair fall out!! Ways to grow your hair >>>
How to Use It
If you’re interested in using castor oil for hair growth, try rubbing just a few drops of the oil into your scalp. You can also massage a few additional drops of castor oil into your hair’s midsection and ends, which may protect against breakage and improve hair texture.
Although the ideal timing for castor-oil-based hair masks is unknown, letting the oil sit for about two hours may be beneficial. To prevent oil drippings from staining your clothing and other items, consider covering your head with a shower cap until it’s time to wash your hair.
Many hair care experts recommend using castor oil no more than once a week. When used more frequently, castor oil can cause buildup and lead to issues like matting.
Because castor oil is extremely heavy and often difficult to remove from hair, hair treatment recipes typically call for diluting it with other plant-derived oils (such as coconut or jojoba). Combining oils can also tone down the scent of castor oil, which many people find unpleasant.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
A little bit of insight
I am trying to quit smoking. It's miserable. My nerves in my arms hurt. I tried rubbing some vitamin E oil on them, as per directed by "a spirit" and it worked. The pain went away for days. I'm so confused.These spirits are pretty non judgemental. But it's still embarrassing when the voices (Or Mkultra) go rooting through my mind. It's hours of torment. I don't understand the point of this. It's like being in another world, where in this one my intuition doesn't make sense. I am learning to master my abilities. ds, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O. OF A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL, sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. There's something lacking. My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground.
{WIP ~ MAYBE}
Thursday, July 2, 2020
So I guess this is Hell...
Monday, April 6, 2020
Joker Programming
"insanity is caused by restriction of the brain and the mind"
Everyone knows the Joker was crazy.
But I remember it was said she was crazier than him and more fearless. Unfortunately, for me, the bad stuff happens to me, and she makes bad stuff to happen to other people. I wonder if my actions in the past poisoned her, but I did care. A lot of things tormented my mind, tried to hurt it. I was neglected, then abused, maybe I deserved it because of the way I treated my family. I just wanted to use drugs.... I was trying to "get away" from them.. figuratively and literally.... to do the drugs, with Harley, or whomever she is ... I don't know, she's a girl whatever I am... and I'm being punished and enslaved. Now they seem to avoid me unless necessary, also, the isolation, has caused me to go mute. My cat, is also, mute. So it's very quiet in here, except for the music, because my mind bothers me, I'm not sure if it's guilt or personal torment, as it appears I am in Hell.
I am just feeling evil and like I want to be in the dark. I want some attention though, a lover, maybe, but I am not sure if I am a guy or a girl.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Jester and Nazi
They were working with John. The (re-incarnated) Nazi.
"I'm not reincarnated, I'm still alive."
Cannot have people getting offended, John.
Anyway, I think the house is surrounded by aliens and I really want it to stop. They dig deeply into my subconscious when I sleep. I am like a female Dark Vader. The human men wanted to know about female goths. We are just described as spooky nerds. Lol. Yes by some meme. So I think I am some Female Darth Vader, when I'm secretly some castrated male vampire that "looks like" a woman.
I have an adam's apple and hardly any tits. I'M A MAN.
I wonder why I was castrated. I would love to say that I learned my lesson. That rape is illegal and bad and we shouldn't hurt other people like that, but it is proliferating everywhere. It happens all the time. We can't escape it. It's always women, but people say it is men too, and sometimes it is people who can't cry for help, like a mentally challenged or disturbed person [which some say it is more common than we think.] We would love to think that these people have caretakers. Some don't, and quickly learn that the world is harsh.
I have a strong instinct for sex. That may be why I was a rapist, and other personal details I wish not to disclose in this setting.
They have identified me as a homosexual, and call me Joker. They threatened the chemicals, they desire me to work for them. I was a heartless killer without a conscious. I have no conscious.
They asked me to work for them. I guess some of the girls are pretty cute. But I'm in this predicament now. There is always the future. I think I am a good lover. Unfortunately, I am currently just a Joker, a clown, a jester moreso, for their amusement.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
John, viewing Mkultra documentaries with actual brainwashing audio tapes.
John likes to smoke.
We acquired some cigarettes. So does Cassius. And Joker and El.
I guess all in all, we are a smoker. Probably always will be.
Anywho, we were watching this video.
They go to a scene of playing audio recordings of brainwashing.
John comes out and starts thrashing around and looks for his gun.
And his bag of his essentials to being a top Nazi soldier.
He wanted to fight, to break things.
We had to calm him down. We skipped ahead in the clip.
We apparently cannot handle this material.
I am a Jester. And a thought broad caster. That's why I compose so much.