2020 Merry Christmas! People are sending me money! Yay!

Hello, I am writing this while I am using my slow cooker for the first time, a.k.a. crock pot. It is very small, but I am making bbq pulled pork. I cooked some boxed rice and seasoning mix and added chicken and veggies, and made cookies. I really wanted to please my friend that is coming over tomorrow to eat. I may be cooking a chicken, I just keep fucking everything up, I even choked on my drink. I'm not sure if the rice is cooked all the way, it was kind of crunching. Oh god, she may not even notice, I added Greek Seasoning, and hot sauce, pepper, anything to save it. Lol. 

koko: he a good cook

Yeah I hope I am a good cook, I tried very hard, the cookie mix made 24 cookies, but we made six gigantic cookies! I don't have enough baking pans for all of that. I am just starting out, well, midway. 

My team is harrassing me about an incidence .. I fed the cat some chicken. He loved it. Reminds me of a dream I had about Granny the other day. She cooked spaghetti, I remembered biting into a meatball.. I could taste it.. And my Grandpa gave me $2,500 and my cat was there with an identical female cat. Two black cats. They were given collars and I can't remember anything else. I would just buy cigarettes if I had $2,500, I don't "talk to myself" I hardly make a sound. Not anymore. I don't know why, I'm tired of being quiet, and to myself, I want a friend over, but so much negligence and so much abuse against me, every single family member has put their hands on me, except for a few. And then there were EMTs, and hospital staffing. I am just tired of it, my body hurts, my joints and nerves are inflamed and hurt. 

My schizophrenic voices have been rather quiet, but I still get some slight torment, I don't feel alive, I wonder what their plans are. They've put in a lot of effort with me. Mostly I am used a sex slave, or tormented with multiple religions, or seem to be a apart of the false Christian movement, or something. And then there is Satanism... I just don't know what to believe anymore. Asmodeus is looking at what all I cooked. They are just teasing me because I licked the spoon! I was trying to see if the rice was cooked, my mom used to let me do that, I don't think I have any infectious diseases. No one is going to die because I was trying to make dinner sides and dessert tonight. I don't have Corona virus. Do I even go anywhere? Not really, so how could I? Doesn't it take 14 days in the body to incubate? That -sounds like- some very deadly diseases, like AIDs or Rabies, but this is more like a flu. However other outstanding health issues in the body could lead to death? Michael, me, and Angie all lost someone. And that is just the people that I know. 

By the way -- I am so sorry for my weird habits, I can feel the trauma in my legs and arms, in the joints especially, and that my nervous system is inflamed. Feeling kind of awkward and fragile, delicate, but I am not. My skin doesn't feel like mine, and I want it to feel like mine very badly. Though I know I have been shifted. Always did I feel awkward being so petite.

me: "Yeah asmodeus, it is kind of a strange mixture [of foods]"

A: "No it's fine."

The pulled pork is starting to smell very good, my stomach is growling!!! Next time I will try to cook as if I am cooking in front of an audience, which I didn't realize/remember that I was, which means no tasting from the cooking utensils. Sigh. I am used to things just being solo. 

 God save the King of New Orleans

 

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

 Had some bad dreams, and some strange ones, and negative feelings. My psychiatrist appt is tomorrow. I can't live with what I've done. I must be evil. Because things just don't bother me. Most of the time. Then my mind will torture itself, keeping me awake. 

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. Nada.

Russell kept calling. Multiple times. Over an expanse of days. I never returned his call. I don't want to be your fucking girlfriend, Russell. 

 

I'm like a Gun, Not Easy To Hold

 

I don't like being myself right now. I am pretty miserable. But things are getting less bad.

"A Million Little Pieces" .. Someone gave me that book inpatient..

 It's pretty good. Guy survives an accident and goes to rehab. 

I'm telling myself to write responsibily..

 

 👿

I don't feel like being awake, or here right now. So depressed. It's Christmas time. And my granny died a few months ago, around June. And my Grandpa has a girlfriend. 50 freaking years together. My great aunt is beyond pissed.

My energy feels so traumatized.... SRA...Satanic Ritual Abuse...

My cousin David came over @ 4 am .... I was barely awake.

 

I slept most of the day .... I need to thaw something out to cook... Alligator? 

 

I miss my red hair

 

 

 

 

💖

Pictures of You

Noir

Our Dragon ... I am a Dragon ... He looked like he needed somewhere to call home. We adopted him.

Fucking virus... This is what happened like 40 days in..

 

My mask.... I don't wear that one anymore. My new one is Mickey Mouse. TRyna dress like the Guy I am.

 

 

 

 

Bitstrips made this after my friend passed away.. D'awwwe

 

How do they know what Cleopatra looked like anyway?

 

Talents, Intuition, Prayer, Family & Friends

 https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/angel-numbers/angel-number-844-meaning/

NOTE TO SELF: READ THIS

 https://angelnumbersmeaning.com/angel-number-655-meaning-and-symbolism/

Mm, using lots of herbs and oils... :)

I had some nightmares around Thanksgiving day. I had so many, my head was aching, my subconscious was fed up with the fucking torment.

And the night before last.

I'm usually up til around this time, or a bit later.

Don't really want to go to sleep.

Sigh, I read a bit from a woman that was programmed with Rose Red programming, she said she was programmed to sleep away her life basically, felt little sexual desire, and mainly continues her life for her sons. I realized I feel this way. Sometimes, they portray me as Cinderella, or Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White. 

6:45, meds kicking in

 Well, Isis found me on Instagram. She said she created Seth. I keep getting an Egyptian theme. I used to imagine the golden rings on my cat's tail. My black cat, Loka, looks like he's Egyptian, so thin and sleek, with a narrow face. I think I had the same parents as I did when I was an Egyptian, Geb and Nubt. It was predicted that our old injuries from past lives would bother us around Thanksgiving, well, I pulled my arm where I have my orion's belt marking, and before that I had a swollen jaw, which I think were injuries from Geb. He really was the only man that could beat my ass, at least that I recall. Lol, says my personality Saturn. Well anyway. I'm browsing Christmas presents, I totally forgot to get my mom a Birthday Present...Whoops. I guess I'm going to get her X-mas Pjs that say "Holiday Squad" and an Onyx Jewelry box. I feel it will have an effect on her. Onyx shows who someone really is. I want to know, lol. Is this witch craft? Its vintage, and has clawed feet. She makes comments about us being in a cult, well, she did one day. If we had matching dresses. My dresses look like my ex wives, nepthys or Tawarets I think so anyway. Im asking Isis about it.... She was trying to help me with the ancient vampire energies in the modern world, I mean I wonder what's wrong with me, all black everything, widows peak, craving blood and liking blood, the 'witch' tooth, needing energy. Im so glad she has returned into my life. She claims that she is in Mkultra too. The voices said "enslave the Egyptians" so they must be our enemies? I just told her they said that. They had a boastful moment, so Im telling my sister. Im poor, so if they're not my mom or not going to get as much enjoyment out of the gift as it's gonna break the bank, they're not getting one.

4:46

 

Luck

Your golden number is 4, your lucky number par excellence. Use the number 4 as often as you can: for example, when you set up an important meeting, insist on the 4th day of the month, or 4 o'clock in the afternoon; when you take a train, get in the 4th car. Use it whenever you play games etc.

If you have premonitory dreams - and you should! - 5 is your most auspicious number. It's also lucky for travel and in financial matters.

And 13, your number for happiness, can also be used to combat misfortune.

Use a combination of these three numbers as often as you can. Luck will do many things for you, and your intuition will do the rest.

 Here is some important advice that might help you: persevere in your intimacy, don't let just anyone into your private life, never discuss your problems with anyone you don't completely trust, and make sure the people around you leave you in peace as far as your affairs of the heart are concerned, since they concern only you.

To: Rox

 Sorry if I was abrasive in any way. Or if any of this was strange. We've disclosed to one another we ended up in the opposite sex body. Lol. I dreamed they were summoning my Roleplaying character to save the world. Bahahaha. That'd be something. He's kinda gangsta. Anyway. Seriously. How are you doing? With this Corona virus and everything? You're starting to seem familiar now. I haven't caught it, but my mom did. It was scary. It could be years until the world is back to normal. I was wondering if you had any information about that? My mom is feeding into the Christian beliefs, she thinks Biden is the anti christ. I forgot where you're located. I'm in the South of Usa.  Geb/My dad dreamed that the world was ending. And every time I get a little high, I think the same exact thing, and freak out, and concerned. :/ sorry sorry sorry for talking so much. I'm so alone with my schizophrenia. It makes people think I'm some serial killer psycho. I'm just like everyone else. Very lonely, and I know the truth about my illness, and I just want someone to talk to. Just like everyone else, I read in the bible of a  Princess that got stripped of all her royal fashions, and well, I imagined that was happening to me. But I feel I'll be a Prince again. I just had to learn the hard way without all of that stuff. 

11:3838

656

303

Had to go to Court today; they made me talk to a psychiatrist.

 I waited from 8:30-9 o'clock, to about 12, then my attorney told me we were waiting for a psychiatrist to get there. And she wasn't there by 12, so we broke for lunch. Mom took me to McDonald's, and bought me lunch, and I found two pennies on the ground. I asked Mom what the two pennies meant. She (later) sent me an article that they were "pennies from Heaven", that my deceased loved ones or angels were trying to get my attention.

Since Halloween, I had been thinking of mom's mom, "MawMaw" and Uncle Joe, and also Grandma. We have just lost Granny this year. She passed away in June, 6 days after my birthday. Instead of being bitter, I am glad she waited to pass til after my birthday. I miss her so much. She would've been the first person I would've called after court. 

It seemed kind of suspicious, because the judge was talking to my attorney, the woman doing roll call, and another lady, and he said that I was "incompetent." I have Schizophrenia, I'm not going to sound like you, or anyone. I'm an Individual. Recently, I found out my birth date equals "11" in Numerology, and so does my name. That seems very special! A birthday book told me I was "special." What if you were actually told you were 'special?' Well, I was. I feel I glow, vibrantly. 

The psychiatrist talked to me, and she reviewed my medications with me, and I told her what had been started, discontinued, and doses changed. I had told my attorney earlier that my voices told me I was Joker -- .. so I thought I was Joker. My mom thinks some of my alters are dangerous. Well, I do know that I am self destructive. I told the woman about my DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and she listened. From Facebook, I learned there were other women, with a "Joker" MALE alter. I learned I had DID because I have a soldier alter. I then remembered that I had requested help from an institution at 22, and 24, years of age, and they did not offer me any help for my DID. Or even a diagnosis, a test, anything! I want to be "honest" so I can get the help I need. Hear me out, because my doctor has me on like 9 different medications. I believe I am gaining too much weight.

Issued another subpoena, the psychiatrist asked for my mom's phone number, and my number and email. I gave them to her, and she said that she would contact us. I told my attorney that I had really needed to vent, and said that my mom was not "intellectually capable" of understanding me, and my dad, had nearly been a genius. His teacher said so. Granny had told me. His teacher said, "Now I'm not going to tell you your son is a genius, but he has above average intelligence." My mom is more practical, and worldly; she doesn't like reading

Mom and I went to work, and we were told that Walmart is bad right now, during Covid, that people were being carjacked and purses stolen. It pisses me off that women are being victims right now. I hurt my back at work, but I had some Ibuprofen ... and I took that, and vacuumed the floors and dusted.. Oh well. But I know I am something,  not nothing. And I'm  not crazy because I have pepper sprayed a man. He was on MY property, banging on MY door, using intimidation tactics to try to MAKE ME answer the door. I want this to be KNOWN. I was withdrawing from medication from a Dr who had canceled seeing me, and didn't give me a referral, and so I was running out of pills during this time.

I could have *died* -- and the man was in pain from the pepper spray, for what, five minutes?

700, 717

 Angel Number 933 Meaning. Angel Number Meaning 9 is appearing you as a reminder that you are a kind and loving person in all that you do. Your soul destiny wants you to share that loving part of you with others so that you can help those around you find some peace and quiet throughout it all.

 The angel number 855 suggests that everything you do will have a positive result. The universe will keep you away from danger. The universe will keep you away from danger. You will be protected and no one or nothing can touch you.

633

There’s no need for you to suffer from the uncertainties of the future. Angel number 644 means that you live everything to your angels. After all, they are in your life for a reason. However, the angels want you to know that you have an important part to play in your life.

 

404, 1117

 

10:31 So tired from the Tryptophan... There's not enough money, I'm crying.

 Well-- we are having a plague.

Wearing camo pants, and a tank top.... spaghetti strap..whatever..black.. I am so fucking tired. I don't think I could sleep enough. God, please get me off some of this medicine. :( It's built up in my system. 

Trying to go off with Sarah, to get away from Repairmen. 

11:33

I hear Tawaret. <3

I need to open that save on FB.

"Mom, I am sorry for everything I put you through."

I'm feeling really sad, and like I'm in an exhibit, and like I want to die, but I'm not going to do anything.

I'm feeling so so depressed, I used to self harm, well I have had to live in this body. Thank you Michael. My handler is helping me. 

Lol I often say my Mom is Pocohontas, so much Indian, and the song "Colors of the Wind" just came on-- 

922, 857

616,454,717

 I was talking to Anubis, and he doesn't understand what Mkultra is, and my handlers have been really nice lately, they wish that they could really hang out with me.. I just tried to tell him..tried to tell him what he's getting inducted into..and he got freaked out.. I'm not a perfect dad....

6:36

 

ANGEL NUMBER 633

Number 633 is a compilation of the vibrations of number 6 and the attributes of number 3 appearing twice, amplifying its influences and resonating with the Master Number 33. Number 6 resonates with love of home and family and domesticity, service to others and selflessness, responsibility and reliability, providing for the self and others, and nurturing. Number 6 also resonates with grace and gratitude, personal willpower, independence, initiative, action and overcoming obstacles. Number 3 adds self-expression, communication, optimism and enthusiasm, skills and talents, friendliness and sociability, growth, expansion and the principles of increase. Number 3 also carries the vibrations of the Ascended Masters. Number 33 is a Master Number (Master Teacher) and resonates with the energies of compassion, blessings, inspiration, honesty, discipline, bravery and courage. Master Number 33 tells us that ‘all things are possible’ and is the number that symbolizes ‘guidance’.

Angel Number 633 is an indication and sign that you are fully supported, surrounded and loved by the angels and higher beings of the spiritual realms. It suggests that you have successfully manifested prosperity and abundance into your life so be open to receiving your well-earned rewards and blessings, and know that all of your needs will be met along your path. Keep your focus on practical things and release any fears of lack or loss. Trust the love and guidance from the angels and know they are by your side, always.

Angel Number 633 encourages you to be true to yourself and make full use of your natural skills and talents in positive and uplifting ways. Listen to your intuitive messages and take on new ventures and/or projects with enthusiasm and optimism. Trust that the resources you need to achieve your goals and aspirations will become available to you when needed. Trust the abundance and benevolence of the Universe.

Angel Number 633 is also a reminder that you can ask for angelic guidance, assistance and support whenever you wish. Be open to receiving guidance and assistance through your intuition, ideas and thoughts.

I do feel like Helen is wanting us all to act like Saints. I kinda agreed with her mom, like I am sorry, but I do. It's in my heart. It's something deep. Maybe she unconsciously criticizes me. 

I am not sure how to feel about her sometimes. Her own mother called her "a high class bitch." 

I would prefer that to what I'm getting. I get treated like I'm dirty, a peasant, gross, -- I have an infected tooth that broke while I was eating Marco's Pizza, and it hurts like a bitch. The lymph nodes are very swollen. Toothache. I already slept. Got a window unit a/c. People are going to be here to fix it tomorrow. 

If she's so bad for me, why does vibin' with her feel so good?

I feel like something "owns" me. I don't feel in my body, or a part of this reality, or anything.

What gives? My stuff always gets messed up. "High class bitch" 

Ugh, meds making me hungry. I can't stand this. I want the world to end. I'm fucking miserable. 

 Someone said I was Nicodermus and I was in a Mother Mary blanket ^_^ ... I would've wanted my parent to accompany me on a trip. But she is so anti drugs. Very anti drugs. The voices say I am the holy spirit but I swear I am just a person like any other. I guess. Besides the fact I dreamed I was Narcissus, but that's so totally different than being Seth. I guess. because that is more modern. and he was only half god. no thoth said they are similiar? the greeks mirrored the Egyptians. That all was marked fake, the christian religion with the Egyptian Gods, but I would like to talk about this?.... And I guess I'm not Set if he's another person. Duh. But I was much into that energy. Wait -- how do I have memories of Nepthys and I thought my parents were Nubt and Geb? I really dunno, but there's 'official documents' with me signing as Set... Now I am a breath from an empty vessel -- brainwashed to be nothing in Mkultra.. I hope someone saves me, but they never do.... And I have more prescriptions than I could ever take. Sigh. I really want my Valium :/ ❤

 

 My counselor actually had some good feedback today.She said my grandmother was a strong woman and that I should show the love and compassion that my grandmother showed me to another person.

 i don't trust anyone or anything.

In the sun today -- some alters are vampires.

 I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel so codependent, I don't like being alone,  I worry, and  go crazy. I feel nervous, like I can't move, and in my mind's eye, I see parts of my body breaking into pieces, as if it's old energy.

 Siren is a male umm siren. We just call him Siren. He's been wanting to play.And interact with objects in the host's world, only problem, he only has legs,sometimes, a mertail otherwise. sometimes, we can shift, and are learning to shift. 

I really want to write some malexmale smut with siren. 

i want my hair to be so very long. again. it was beautiful. i should've just let mom cut that one part. meh. it would look about the same by now. so traumatized, thinking of all the betrayals, i took scissors to my hair and hacked most of it off. now im trying to grow it, and i think the chantix is making it fall out, or some combo of pills. i need to call the pharmacy. do i have a gatekeeper to the personalities? is he/she in charge most of the time? i do not even know, DID, is different for everyone. we have a devil personality, that has a short haircut, and is male, and kind of devious. 

iiiiii haaaate these pills. my size ten jeans look like skinny jeans.well they were probably made in china or something. america loves loading bad stuff into our food. 

 Romans 3:2

It feels like a false religion and a cult I was raised into, living in the “bible belt” but I am reading about Jews vs Gentiles and they are the same to God... & that every man woman and child is a sinner. And not one man woman or child does right, not even one. 

That is why I prefer nature and natural. 

But I’ve been told God’s ways are higher than our ways. I’m reading about judgemental behaviour in humans. It speaks of circumsision. But it says it is not required. It says circumsicion of the heart is what is desired. 

The tongue and heart are said to be wicked and deceitful in the bible. 

But I do know the Race that created us as “Gods” wanted humans circumsized like they look. Is that even.. 👀 what the Hell did I just read. Lmao 🤣 

Be mature...self. 

I feel so unhealthy I feel like a Pharoah:( And That was the House of Bondage, the pit! Hell! Egypt used to rule the world. My body feels like it’s been prepped and groomed. Hair cuts and alterations via the electronic harassment. And clothing style. 

The male sheath is like the female hymen. I think evil beings get enjoyment out of removing them or hurting them. Am I taking this too literally?! Sorry. Keeping this on private. It should be common knowledge but people can’t be mature. Women should break their own hymen & sex isn’t always how. Playing sports can. Can’t remember what else. I read venerial diseases are why men want young women. I don’t think pharmaceuticals really cure stds. 

Carousel 

😇 

My thoughts today-- I don't even care that someone deleted me.

 The entire world is brainwashing.

I can't..like..function with knowing this sometimes.

"There are formats to the way things are done," - female voice

So, we should take care what we let into our minds.

I chose to explore the unknown. I really wish I hadn't looked into conspiracy theories and all of this. Because I ended up paying the consequences, of becoming a person of interest, however, I have always been a SRA, a Satanic Ritual Abuse, victim.

I long for a life with an established man. Maybe older than me. 

Really want the right person, though. But not as bad as I want to leave here, lol, jk. I really want out of this fucking apartment, or something to do with my life and my time, my money. This area is kind of rural, so there's lots of walking, ugh, and it's overpopulated. 

I want something more out of life than this. I was hoping to meet people with this computer, but I'm in a bad mood, and I'm scared I'm going to meet the wrong person. Like a dangerous person. And I'm vulnerable, schizophrenic, mentally ill, from the SRA. And Mkultra. I guess I am safe by myself, with my family around me. 

I see all these beautiful women, but it's probably filters, and photoshop. :( I wish I could be young again, I'd do things so differently. Besides the fact that I'm trans, I am still not happy with being alive. I want to be male, I would learn how to be male, from that life of being male. So I try to look and act feminine, I don't want any crude labels or being called names, or being even more weird than what I already am. 

I am determined to lose weight, and I am eating less. By cutting down on my medication, I have become more active, but I don't want to deal with this sun. It is SO hot. I worry about heat stroke, etc. 

My medications are excessive, two bipolar pills, one antipsychotic, one mood stabilizer. I don't want to be on that particular antipsychotic or that particular mood stabilizer. I don't like them. Me no likey. Lol. I want something else. 

Alabama Roadtrip

Michael laughed.

"You are very beautiful."

Okay, so I went to Alabama, where my Dad and Granny are buried, and my Grandpa's grandparents and his dad. And sister Geraldine. I wanted to put flowers on Geraldine's grave. But oh well.

I got stoned, with my sister, it was so nice. All my nervous system pain relaxed. We went to some place called The Treasure Chest, and there was a sign that said Medi Puff. Lol. Cbd Watermelon flavoured cotton candy. It was really relaxing. I feel a lot calmer, but like my mind is on vacay. I can't deal with this stress anymore. I need to ground, if anything. I'm all floaty ... My legs are hurting me and my back, keep having to take Tylenol. I think I am sleeping badly. I haven't heard too many voices lately, I write about the program and things begin to stop. I am being protected.It's wonderful. 

I quit cigarettes! They disgust me now! They're so bad for you. I want to be done with them. I am so sorry, I just need encouragement, I'll pat myself on the back. Fuck. My mom is ignoring me, and I need to go pick up the rest of my Chantix and keep to it. I had a slip, I bought two packs of cigarettes, but I'm really disgusted by them now. They burn my mouth, throat, and turn teeth and nails yellow, they smell awful. I'm stronger than this, stronger than being an addict. So I'm on Home Shopping Network, looking at laptops. I'm going to buy another one. Tired of being lonely. 

Mkultra kept calling me Retarded so much I started to believe it. I keep having repetitive thoughts. And hearing voices. It's a group on Facebook. I'm trying to do better, and get better, but things were getting messed up. Like always fucking shit up and making matters worse. I just want to temporarily leave my body, and go somewhere else, like on the astral plane.

There was a man in my bed last night, that wasn't really there. We had sex. And he was kissing me. I don't know who he is, where he went, or how that happened. Guess it was part of Mkultra. He let me see him a little bit, usually they don't do that. 

Mkultra makes your hair fall out!! Ways to grow your hair >>>

Here is a list of the best essential oils for hair growth:

Argan Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Neem Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Almond Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Mustard Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Coconut Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Rosemary Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Tea Tree Oil For Hair Growth. ...

Amla Oil For Hair Growth

**coconut oil**

Can I leave castor oil in my hair for a week?

Castor oil by consistency is thick so maybe it might need more time for its proper penetration through the skin. But that shouldn't take more than 6 hours approx. Hence for better results leaving oil on scalp for 6 hours or overnight is enough. Leaving it there without washing for 2 days will do more harm than good.

How to Use It

If you’re interested in using castor oil for hair growth, try rubbing just a few drops of the oil into your scalp. You can also massage a few additional drops of castor oil into your hair’s midsection and ends, which may protect against breakage and improve hair texture.

Although the ideal timing for castor-oil-based hair masks is unknown, letting the oil sit for about two hours may be beneficial. To prevent oil drippings from staining your clothing and other items, consider covering your head with a shower cap until it’s time to wash your hair.

Many hair care experts recommend using castor oil no more than once a week. When used more frequently, castor oil can cause buildup and lead to issues like matting.

Because castor oil is extremely heavy and often difficult to remove from hair, hair treatment recipes typically call for diluting it with other plant-derived oils (such as coconut or jojoba). Combining oils can also tone down the scent of castor oil, which many people find unpleasant.

I want to reach out for help and support. But I'm scared of judgement.I was running away from my problems. Everything is crashing down. I was the type of person to cut corners. 

Oh no... I think Spotify just deleted all my liked songs... Ugh... 

I've been tormented by these voices and visions since I was 4. They were showing me semen and penis on tv. I was a kid. I am so fucking bored. I really wish I hadn't taken acid. There is nothing to do. So being asexual. I don't really like anyone. I am not attracted to most people. 

I read a book about "Walk ins" and I'm trying to get one so I don't have to be here anymore. You know what it is. My foot is stuck. My intuition is really good. And it often doesn't make sense in this reality. Ok my songs are back.

Trent Reznor sings we didn't give it a mouth so it could not complain. And the foot is deep and the mouth is wide. If they knew they were singing about me. They would stop. Right. 

Trying to act my age. I spend every day a lone. How can I grow? I read some woman hasn't left her house in eight years. 

I am surprised this Egyptian God hasn't killed me. I thought I was him. He can read my mind and it's just awful. I really thought I was him. But he appears to be a different person. Idk. Maybe it's part of Mkultra. I'm a waste of skin. I am not loved. I am an idea. But my mind has slowed to a hault on all these drugs, I am operating on pure instinct. 

These mkultra people or whatever they are are fucking pedos. They were showing me inappropriate things. They used to watch me in my room playing with my toys. They're being fucking pedos "deep down trauma hounds" send help. God send non mind reading angels to help me. Im miserable. 

Im disgusting. 

I took too much caffeine, I'm just a fucking clown. A literal fucking clown. 

ACID IS A HORRIBLE DRUG. I WISH I WOULD'VE NEVER TAKEN IT.

I HATE THIS. IT'S LIKE A PERMANENT TRIP IN HELL. I REALLY BELIEVE I'M IN HELL. AND I'M A FREAK. I'M WEIRD. I'M A TOTAL FUCKING CREEP. BUT I THINK I AM SOMEWHAT GOOD LOOKING. USED TO BE. BEFORE I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF. AND GAINED WEIGHT. NOW I'M JUST A MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT. 

KARMA IS KICKING MY ASS. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. HELP.

I WANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD. I ALWAYS FELT NERVOUS AND AWKWARD, LIKE I NEEDED SUPPORT FROM ANOTHER PERSON. NOW IT'S COMING OUT AND I'M BEING A NERVOUS FREAK. I AM REALLY SURPRISED PEOPLE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. MAYBE THEY DO. I AM CRYING BUT NO TEARS ARE COMING OUT.... 

I GUESS I AM CURSED. 

I WAS TORMENTED FOR TEN YEARS AND JUST NOW I AM CRYING

"I'D LEAVE YOU ALL"

I read this story about a Satanist that intentionally let his body get fat and sluggish, and then he tried to get himself healthy and in shape again.... I don't know.... I can't remember how exactly it was worded. I could try to work out and make myself healthier. 

I am so awkward.... It doesnt help that I'm now chubby, and I cut off my hair. 

I feel like I've been stripped of my alleged royalty. 

And shown that I am nothing. 

WHO IS BLUSHING. 

my voices want me to be the laughing stock of the town. 

It used to be a good thing to be chubby... to have excess weight..... it showed that you were rich. 

I hate that these mfs can read my mind. My broken mind. It remembers things. Bits and pieces. And it makes me look like a fucking dumb ass. I'm in another world. 

There are some scary prophecies. About me. And I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TAKEN ACID. But I don't like him anyway. I am trying to be perfect, but I AM A SWAMP DEMON AND I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE. But all my stuff, my accessories, my otherworldly things, are all messed up and broken.

I'm surprised people don't make fun of me. I'm a fucking freak. I feel like I'm too little, and traumatized, and I have been through a lot, and I'm experiencing a lot of pain. That's all I know. Is pain. And torment. I guess I deserve it. If I killed in my previous lives. I used to be so nice, full of light, they poisoned my soul. My handlers. I HAVE DISOCCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER. AND I MADE STRAIGHT A'S ON MY TESTS. I GUESS HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME. AND WHATEVER. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. It's not right. I thought I was a Goddess, and I'm just some cursed freak. I am weird. Torment could do that to you. Every day. Something keeps embarrassing me. 

I kept craving Cokes because of the schizo meds. I just wanted some kind of kick. It's supposed to be like crack when you first open one. A rush. Idk. They are really bad for you. 

A little bit of insight

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and frientw/drugs

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and friends, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O.F A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL,) sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. No one visits. Dating has not gone well. There's something lacking.

My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground. I am extremely lonely, and suffering in HUD, it's making me a nervous wreck. I'm thinking about moving. But I am good for nothing. Lazy. Don't clean or cook anymore. But there is someone offering a place. This is a secure place to live. But there are so many rules. And the voices, the voices tormenting me with roommates would be awful. They are deep down trauma hounds, and keep playing embarrassing moments and digging for information that is painful for me. I don't ever want to accidentally talk about that stuff. I'm so embarrassed. The voices wanted to make me the laughing stock of the town. I was friends with some of my mind reading spirits. But they keep embarrassing me in front of anything or anyone that talks to me, in my mind. I shouldn't like them because they don't respect boundaries. They shouldn't be reading my mind. I tried prayer, I wrote down prayers to God. And it was like a miracle happened the next day.

I am trying to quit smoking. It's miserable. My nerves in my arms hurt. I tried rubbing some vitamin E oil on them, as per directed by "a spirit" and it worked. The pain went away for days. I'm so confused.These spirits are pretty non judgemental. But it's still embarrassing when the voices (Or Mkultra) go rooting through my mind. It's hours of torment. I don't understand the point of this. It's like being in another world, where in this one my intuition doesn't make sense. I am learning to master my abilities. ds, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O. OF A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL, sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. There's something lacking. My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground.

{WIP ~ MAYBE}

Happy tuesday. I'm miserable. ='(

Mkultra keeps calling me stupid and a retard. I'm tired of the "R" word. 

I was a straight A student, but Michael is right, that was a long time ago. One of my frends said she has a 160 iq, Im kinda intimidated. Mine is pretty high, I've been told I am a Genius. But I am not sure sometimes, I have DID, so my memory is shot. Especially from these pills, and Mkultra whiping it clear.

I'm so exhausted of my life. This computer is so slow, this is about the only thing I can do on it. I guess I am ordering an other computer next month. I am sick of my life, I'm miserable, everyday is spent alone. Sometimes I get texts and phone calls. I really feel like "I am bad" and kinda a loser, that's why no one likes me. A reject. ='

"Awh baby don't say that."

*crying*

I tried to kill myself last year, I took an entire bottle of Aspirin, but I regurgitated it, and now I am still alive. God won't let me die, but he keeps letting me take damage. I don't want to be alive, goddamn it. 

I saw people that didn't even belong in the mental hospital there. Awoman had a concussion and they locked her away. Also there was a woman complaining of "bugs" in her skin, she had scabies and they told her she was nuts.

So I guess this is Hell...

I have this delusion people are looking for me. Maybe they are. I use the same screennames, pretty much. I actually met a guy from an online game in real life. Always losing guys to strippers. Sigh. Lost a few to strippers. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone interested in me. Michael was hurting me earlier. I guess he doesn't like that I am really a guy. We had fun last night, what happened? I really don't know. We were listening to the Classic Rock station, and he was telling me he hasn't listened to that type of music in a long time. Mkultra actually MADE ME go lay down in the front room. I'm not asking much, I just want a nice guy with a little bit of a money, a job, and a car. They'd all rather fuck around, be degenerates. I wish I were a guy, fuck. They seem to have more fun and exciting experiences. This is so dull. I don't have the life I had in me anymore.

There's a joke that a guy would fall or the man in a dress if he thinks DiGornio is delivery.

Michael said he fell for the DiGornio. Oh well. 

Feel like God's embarrassed of me. Why doesn't he just say something to me about hard times.

When things aren't good. I am traumatized, and nervous, and possibly could bring an uprising against this God. He's made sure I had a place to stay, and money, cigarettes, and that's more than he does for some people. I guess. 

I really wish I was dead. I am sick of living life everyday in this prison, HUD. I have no money, and nothing to do, and no friends. I am a miserable bastard. Hate everything about myself, always looking for something better. I'm overweight, kinda, a bit chubby, to say the least, and Michael made sure that I ate... He always does. :) At least he does that. Just making sure I don't fall sick, or die, probably.

"It's more than that. I do love you."

Liar... You don't.

Think God wants to end it, too, and it's kind of a big deal. 

This is soo boring, omfg. I wanted to write about the issues I was having, and how I was feeling. But everything just feels like RX. Pills, pills, pills. So many of them. I have DID, and schizoaffective, depression, anxiety. Schizoaffective is bipolar/manic depression. My doctor never allows me to be manic, the least bit hyper. I am secretly taking stackers to stay awake everyday, just doing enough chores to barely skate by, but the house is disgusting and I'm miserable. I really am. I just wish I were dead. I really do. God, do you hear me? I want to fucking die. 

I mean, I feel the damn Giraffe from the Madasgcar movie. With all the pill bottles.And phobias. And syndromes.

They destroyed my mind, my so called family, my so called friends. Some kind of RITE OF PASSAGE, getting loaded all the time, and drunk; we drank everyday like f'ing alcoholics. Now I can hardly stand alcohol. It really got me messed up, now I want to run away, I need a friend or something to escape with. I can't live here anymore, throwing my life away. I wonder what Adam is doing. I wonder if I could go with him. My brain is barely functioning, so I am typing a lot of I SENTENCES. I. DON'T CARE. IT'S my blog, whatever. So .... no one reads it anyway. Except for one person. 

Had pizza for dinner, I'm cute, but I feel like a real creep. My hands, feel long, and whipping. And my eyes feel sinister, and my fingernails are sharp points. I used to have long hair, but I felt traumatized and cut it all off, also got taken by an alien, but talking to these people, you have to try to convince them aliens are real. I need to start talking out loud more, because I'm going quiet. I hardly make a sound. It's just some pathetically etched out existance, and I want to go home. My dad's teacher said he was kinda a genius. My mom, I can't talk to her about anything. None of this intellectual stuff, or philosophy, anything, she just cares about money. She has a pool, and a brand new Traverse SUV. She works hard, though, for her money, and refuses to spend more than necessary on anything.

I wonder if I'm "giving up." It was a struggle to even get in the tub, it'd be an act of kindness if someone were to end my life... I am on four required medications, with four optional. I am quite bizarre, I guess, and I don't make sense to others, even other TI's call me unnecessary and a freak, even other abused people. I am trying to make myself more spiritual, and "shine" like I used to, but I sense Osiris telling me it's okay, not to glow, to go unnoticed. He says he leads a boring life, to boring for the government to be interested. Meanwhile, I wanted to discover the unknown. Maybe I always felt an oppressive feeling by the government. I don't know what the right way to do is, maybe just leave people alone. We're just doing our best, with what little understanding we have, I don't think anyone really knows for sure what they are doing, and here is where I WISH I were autistic, because I had some great writer friends with amazing opinions and wording for such things.

Asmodeus is standing by the door. I guess he gets how fucked up things can be. Someone said we're related. I miss how things used to be. I don't know what I'm talking about. He's knocking things down. I don't even know anymore, I can't remember everything, just bits and pieces. Something lightly hit me in the head. I did something sort of wrong, I guess.... He knows every fucked up, nerdy, stupid thing I've done, and still hangs around, how fucking weird and bizarre I am. I really don't know, we are like two opposites, I was a kid left alone on the internet. Now there are a WHOLE BUNCH of weirdos out there, and I didn't even feel like touching my phone today. 

You're not a nerd, you're just dumb.

That's what he says to me, just now, I am sorry he went through so much pain, he's probably suffered and cried more than I have. I think he is so very strong. I wish I were :( I can withstand a lot, my left hemisphere of my brain is malfunctioning, lol, something is going on in there with all of these drugs. Sigh, mine, theirs, ours. He's insulting me, and I'm complimenting him. Maybe I was envious the whole time, but I don't think so. Woa, it became italic by itself. Ok, anyway, maybe it was my manic depression, I mean does this shit follow you into your next life? Maybe, maybe not? I guess if you use drugs and continue doing the same shit, it might. 

It feels even more lonely with Asmodeus here. Like he's making me feel cold, and isolated. 

I'M  SORRY I HURT YOU, I WAS MAD AT YOU FOR PLAYING ALL THOSE GIRLS. 

What about all of them? I just got pissed at you, even though I was another guy. Couldn't you just admit you were wrong? 

ok anyway. conversation with asmodeus...

Well he called me dumb. It used to be effortless to make A's on my high school tests, or any through out any grade, but, I can't do math. An alien prevented my ability, anyway, he said I was figuring out the problems too quickly. Yeah.Zorak. ASMODEUS KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING ME. anyway, Im a fucking guy, wtf am I doing with all of this shit. I wasnt a very good guy, anyway, I said I feel evil. Maybe I was hiding this whole time, some bastard told me he saw straight through me, I guess I had impulses that needed to be met, or something, mostly to get high. Not anything bad, just weed. I don't know, I don't want to look at this anymore. 

Joker Programming

Joker programming, I am not sure what it really is, but I may, in fact, be THE JOKER, and I'm sitting here realizing that Harley, if we are actually real people, has hurt me a lot. I am poisoned from drugs that we took together, and she is dead. Killed herself. I don't have any photos of her, but out of these fashion magazines or whatever, there was a model that looked like her and I ripped it out and put it on my wall with a picture of a cemetary. There is fake Halloween blood on a mirror, as Thoth told me to make a Shrine for her. Sigh, if Only she knew how much I had  loved her, but my mind is fractured, my personality seems larger than life, but my mind is slipping away.

"insanity is caused by restriction of the brain and the mind"

Everyone knows the Joker was crazy.

But  I remember it was said she was crazier than him and more fearless. Unfortunately, for me, the bad stuff happens to me, and she makes bad stuff to happen to other people. I wonder if my actions in the past poisoned her, but I did care. A lot of things tormented my mind, tried to hurt it. I was neglected, then abused, maybe I deserved it because of the way I treated my family. I just wanted to use drugs.... I was trying to "get away" from them.. figuratively and literally.... to do the drugs, with Harley, or whomever she is ... I don't know, she's a girl whatever I am... and I'm being punished and enslaved. Now they seem to avoid me unless necessary, also, the isolation, has caused me to go mute. My cat, is also, mute. So it's very quiet in here, except for the music, because my mind bothers me, I'm not sure if it's guilt or personal torment, as it appears I am in Hell.

I am just feeling evil and like I want to be in the dark. I want some attention though, a lover, maybe, but I am not sure if I am a guy or a girl.

Jester and Nazi

My personalities have been changing rapidly.

They were working with John. The (re-incarnated) Nazi.

"I'm not reincarnated, I'm still alive."

Cannot have people getting offended, John.

Anyway, I think the house is surrounded by aliens and I really want it to stop. They dig deeply into my subconscious when I sleep. I am like a female Dark Vader. The human men wanted to know about female goths. We are just described as spooky nerds. Lol. Yes by some meme. So I think I am some Female Darth Vader, when I'm secretly some castrated male vampire that "looks like" a woman.

I have an adam's apple and hardly any tits. I'M A MAN.

I wonder why I was castrated. I would love to say that I learned my lesson. That rape is illegal and bad and we shouldn't hurt other people like that, but it is proliferating everywhere. It happens all the time. We can't escape it. It's always women, but people say it is men too, and sometimes it is people who can't cry for help, like a mentally challenged or disturbed person [which some say it is more common than we think.] We would love to think that these people have caretakers. Some don't, and quickly learn that the world is harsh.

I have a strong instinct for sex. That may be why I was a rapist, and other personal details I wish not to disclose in this setting.

They have identified me as a homosexual, and call me Joker. They threatened the chemicals, they desire me to work for them. I was a heartless killer without a conscious. I have no conscious.

They asked me to work for them. I guess some of the girls are pretty cute. But I'm in this predicament now. There is always the future. I think I am a good lover. Unfortunately, I am currently just a Joker, a clown, a jester moreso, for their amusement.

John, viewing Mkultra documentaries with actual brainwashing audio tapes.

John came out after we watched a Mkultra documentary.

John likes to smoke.
We acquired some cigarettes. So does Cassius. And Joker and El.

I guess all in all, we are a smoker. Probably always will be.

Anywho, we were watching this video.

They go to a scene of playing audio recordings of brainwashing.

John comes out and starts thrashing around and looks for his gun.
And his bag of his essentials to being a top Nazi soldier.

He wanted to fight, to break things.

We had to calm him down. We skipped ahead in the clip.

We apparently cannot handle this material.

I am a Jester. And a thought broad caster. That's why I compose so much.

Enter: Cassius.

OH FUCK