Alabama Roadtrip

Michael laughed.

"You are very beautiful."

Okay, so I went to Alabama, where my Dad and Granny are buried, and my Grandpa's grandparents and his dad. And sister Geraldine. I wanted to put flowers on Geraldine's grave. But oh well.

I got stoned, with my sister, it was so nice. All my nervous system pain relaxed. We went to some place called The Treasure Chest, and there was a sign that said Medi Puff. Lol. Cbd Watermelon flavoured cotton candy. It was really relaxing. I feel a lot calmer, but like my mind is on vacay. I can't deal with this stress anymore. I need to ground, if anything. I'm all floaty ... My legs are hurting me and my back, keep having to take Tylenol. I think I am sleeping badly. I haven't heard too many voices lately, I write about the program and things begin to stop. I am being protected.It's wonderful. 

I quit cigarettes! They disgust me now! They're so bad for you. I want to be done with them. I am so sorry, I just need encouragement, I'll pat myself on the back. Fuck. My mom is ignoring me, and I need to go pick up the rest of my Chantix and keep to it. I had a slip, I bought two packs of cigarettes, but I'm really disgusted by them now. They burn my mouth, throat, and turn teeth and nails yellow, they smell awful. I'm stronger than this, stronger than being an addict. So I'm on Home Shopping Network, looking at laptops. I'm going to buy another one. Tired of being lonely. 

Mkultra kept calling me Retarded so much I started to believe it. I keep having repetitive thoughts. And hearing voices. It's a group on Facebook. I'm trying to do better, and get better, but things were getting messed up. Like always fucking shit up and making matters worse. I just want to temporarily leave my body, and go somewhere else, like on the astral plane.

There was a man in my bed last night, that wasn't really there. We had sex. And he was kissing me. I don't know who he is, where he went, or how that happened. Guess it was part of Mkultra. He let me see him a little bit, usually they don't do that. 

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Can I leave castor oil in my hair for a week?

Castor oil by consistency is thick so maybe it might need more time for its proper penetration through the skin. But that shouldn't take more than 6 hours approx. Hence for better results leaving oil on scalp for 6 hours or overnight is enough. Leaving it there without washing for 2 days will do more harm than good.

How to Use It

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I want to reach out for help and support. But I'm scared of judgement.I was running away from my problems. Everything is crashing down. I was the type of person to cut corners. 

Oh no... I think Spotify just deleted all my liked songs... Ugh... 

I've been tormented by these voices and visions since I was 4. They were showing me semen and penis on tv. I was a kid. I am so fucking bored. I really wish I hadn't taken acid. There is nothing to do. So being asexual. I don't really like anyone. I am not attracted to most people. 

I read a book about "Walk ins" and I'm trying to get one so I don't have to be here anymore. You know what it is. My foot is stuck. My intuition is really good. And it often doesn't make sense in this reality. Ok my songs are back.

Trent Reznor sings we didn't give it a mouth so it could not complain. And the foot is deep and the mouth is wide. If they knew they were singing about me. They would stop. Right. 

Trying to act my age. I spend every day a lone. How can I grow? I read some woman hasn't left her house in eight years. 

I am surprised this Egyptian God hasn't killed me. I thought I was him. He can read my mind and it's just awful. I really thought I was him. But he appears to be a different person. Idk. Maybe it's part of Mkultra. I'm a waste of skin. I am not loved. I am an idea. But my mind has slowed to a hault on all these drugs, I am operating on pure instinct. 

These mkultra people or whatever they are are fucking pedos. They were showing me inappropriate things. They used to watch me in my room playing with my toys. They're being fucking pedos "deep down trauma hounds" send help. God send non mind reading angels to help me. Im miserable. 

Im disgusting. 

I took too much caffeine, I'm just a fucking clown. A literal fucking clown. 

ACID IS A HORRIBLE DRUG. I WISH I WOULD'VE NEVER TAKEN IT.

I HATE THIS. IT'S LIKE A PERMANENT TRIP IN HELL. I REALLY BELIEVE I'M IN HELL. AND I'M A FREAK. I'M WEIRD. I'M A TOTAL FUCKING CREEP. BUT I THINK I AM SOMEWHAT GOOD LOOKING. USED TO BE. BEFORE I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF. AND GAINED WEIGHT. NOW I'M JUST A MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT. 

KARMA IS KICKING MY ASS. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. HELP.

I WANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD. I ALWAYS FELT NERVOUS AND AWKWARD, LIKE I NEEDED SUPPORT FROM ANOTHER PERSON. NOW IT'S COMING OUT AND I'M BEING A NERVOUS FREAK. I AM REALLY SURPRISED PEOPLE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. MAYBE THEY DO. I AM CRYING BUT NO TEARS ARE COMING OUT.... 

I GUESS I AM CURSED. 

I WAS TORMENTED FOR TEN YEARS AND JUST NOW I AM CRYING

"I'D LEAVE YOU ALL"

I read this story about a Satanist that intentionally let his body get fat and sluggish, and then he tried to get himself healthy and in shape again.... I don't know.... I can't remember how exactly it was worded. I could try to work out and make myself healthier. 

I am so awkward.... It doesnt help that I'm now chubby, and I cut off my hair. 

I feel like I've been stripped of my alleged royalty. 

And shown that I am nothing. 

WHO IS BLUSHING. 

my voices want me to be the laughing stock of the town. 

It used to be a good thing to be chubby... to have excess weight..... it showed that you were rich. 

I hate that these mfs can read my mind. My broken mind. It remembers things. Bits and pieces. And it makes me look like a fucking dumb ass. I'm in another world. 

There are some scary prophecies. About me. And I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TAKEN ACID. But I don't like him anyway. I am trying to be perfect, but I AM A SWAMP DEMON AND I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE. But all my stuff, my accessories, my otherworldly things, are all messed up and broken.

I'm surprised people don't make fun of me. I'm a fucking freak. I feel like I'm too little, and traumatized, and I have been through a lot, and I'm experiencing a lot of pain. That's all I know. Is pain. And torment. I guess I deserve it. If I killed in my previous lives. I used to be so nice, full of light, they poisoned my soul. My handlers. I HAVE DISOCCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER. AND I MADE STRAIGHT A'S ON MY TESTS. I GUESS HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME. AND WHATEVER. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. It's not right. I thought I was a Goddess, and I'm just some cursed freak. I am weird. Torment could do that to you. Every day. Something keeps embarrassing me. 

I kept craving Cokes because of the schizo meds. I just wanted some kind of kick. It's supposed to be like crack when you first open one. A rush. Idk. They are really bad for you. 

A little bit of insight

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and frientw/drugs

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and friends, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O.F A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL,) sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. No one visits. Dating has not gone well. There's something lacking.

My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground. I am extremely lonely, and suffering in HUD, it's making me a nervous wreck. I'm thinking about moving. But I am good for nothing. Lazy. Don't clean or cook anymore. But there is someone offering a place. This is a secure place to live. But there are so many rules. And the voices, the voices tormenting me with roommates would be awful. They are deep down trauma hounds, and keep playing embarrassing moments and digging for information that is painful for me. I don't ever want to accidentally talk about that stuff. I'm so embarrassed. The voices wanted to make me the laughing stock of the town. I was friends with some of my mind reading spirits. But they keep embarrassing me in front of anything or anyone that talks to me, in my mind. I shouldn't like them because they don't respect boundaries. They shouldn't be reading my mind. I tried prayer, I wrote down prayers to God. And it was like a miracle happened the next day.

I am trying to quit smoking. It's miserable. My nerves in my arms hurt. I tried rubbing some vitamin E oil on them, as per directed by "a spirit" and it worked. The pain went away for days. I'm so confused.These spirits are pretty non judgemental. But it's still embarrassing when the voices (Or Mkultra) go rooting through my mind. It's hours of torment. I don't understand the point of this. It's like being in another world, where in this one my intuition doesn't make sense. I am learning to master my abilities. ds, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O. OF A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL, sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. There's something lacking. My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground.

{WIP ~ MAYBE}

Happy tuesday. I'm miserable. ='(

Mkultra keeps calling me stupid and a retard. I'm tired of the "R" word. 

I was a straight A student, but Michael is right, that was a long time ago. One of my frends said she has a 160 iq, Im kinda intimidated. Mine is pretty high, I've been told I am a Genius. But I am not sure sometimes, I have DID, so my memory is shot. Especially from these pills, and Mkultra whiping it clear.

I'm so exhausted of my life. This computer is so slow, this is about the only thing I can do on it. I guess I am ordering an other computer next month. I am sick of my life, I'm miserable, everyday is spent alone. Sometimes I get texts and phone calls. I really feel like "I am bad" and kinda a loser, that's why no one likes me. A reject. ='

"Awh baby don't say that."

*crying*

I tried to kill myself last year, I took an entire bottle of Aspirin, but I regurgitated it, and now I am still alive. God won't let me die, but he keeps letting me take damage. I don't want to be alive, goddamn it. 

I saw people that didn't even belong in the mental hospital there. Awoman had a concussion and they locked her away. Also there was a woman complaining of "bugs" in her skin, she had scabies and they told her she was nuts.

So I guess this is Hell...

I have this delusion people are looking for me. Maybe they are. I use the same screennames, pretty much. I actually met a guy from an online game in real life. Always losing guys to strippers. Sigh. Lost a few to strippers. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone interested in me. Michael was hurting me earlier. I guess he doesn't like that I am really a guy. We had fun last night, what happened? I really don't know. We were listening to the Classic Rock station, and he was telling me he hasn't listened to that type of music in a long time. Mkultra actually MADE ME go lay down in the front room. I'm not asking much, I just want a nice guy with a little bit of a money, a job, and a car. They'd all rather fuck around, be degenerates. I wish I were a guy, fuck. They seem to have more fun and exciting experiences. This is so dull. I don't have the life I had in me anymore.

There's a joke that a guy would fall or the man in a dress if he thinks DiGornio is delivery.

Michael said he fell for the DiGornio. Oh well. 

Feel like God's embarrassed of me. Why doesn't he just say something to me about hard times.

When things aren't good. I am traumatized, and nervous, and possibly could bring an uprising against this God. He's made sure I had a place to stay, and money, cigarettes, and that's more than he does for some people. I guess. 

I really wish I was dead. I am sick of living life everyday in this prison, HUD. I have no money, and nothing to do, and no friends. I am a miserable bastard. Hate everything about myself, always looking for something better. I'm overweight, kinda, a bit chubby, to say the least, and Michael made sure that I ate... He always does. :) At least he does that. Just making sure I don't fall sick, or die, probably.

"It's more than that. I do love you."

Liar... You don't.

Think God wants to end it, too, and it's kind of a big deal. 

This is soo boring, omfg. I wanted to write about the issues I was having, and how I was feeling. But everything just feels like RX. Pills, pills, pills. So many of them. I have DID, and schizoaffective, depression, anxiety. Schizoaffective is bipolar/manic depression. My doctor never allows me to be manic, the least bit hyper. I am secretly taking stackers to stay awake everyday, just doing enough chores to barely skate by, but the house is disgusting and I'm miserable. I really am. I just wish I were dead. I really do. God, do you hear me? I want to fucking die. 

I mean, I feel the damn Giraffe from the Madasgcar movie. With all the pill bottles.And phobias. And syndromes.

They destroyed my mind, my so called family, my so called friends. Some kind of RITE OF PASSAGE, getting loaded all the time, and drunk; we drank everyday like f'ing alcoholics. Now I can hardly stand alcohol. It really got me messed up, now I want to run away, I need a friend or something to escape with. I can't live here anymore, throwing my life away. I wonder what Adam is doing. I wonder if I could go with him. My brain is barely functioning, so I am typing a lot of I SENTENCES. I. DON'T CARE. IT'S my blog, whatever. So .... no one reads it anyway. Except for one person. 

Had pizza for dinner, I'm cute, but I feel like a real creep. My hands, feel long, and whipping. And my eyes feel sinister, and my fingernails are sharp points. I used to have long hair, but I felt traumatized and cut it all off, also got taken by an alien, but talking to these people, you have to try to convince them aliens are real. I need to start talking out loud more, because I'm going quiet. I hardly make a sound. It's just some pathetically etched out existance, and I want to go home. My dad's teacher said he was kinda a genius. My mom, I can't talk to her about anything. None of this intellectual stuff, or philosophy, anything, she just cares about money. She has a pool, and a brand new Traverse SUV. She works hard, though, for her money, and refuses to spend more than necessary on anything.

I wonder if I'm "giving up." It was a struggle to even get in the tub, it'd be an act of kindness if someone were to end my life... I am on four required medications, with four optional. I am quite bizarre, I guess, and I don't make sense to others, even other TI's call me unnecessary and a freak, even other abused people. I am trying to make myself more spiritual, and "shine" like I used to, but I sense Osiris telling me it's okay, not to glow, to go unnoticed. He says he leads a boring life, to boring for the government to be interested. Meanwhile, I wanted to discover the unknown. Maybe I always felt an oppressive feeling by the government. I don't know what the right way to do is, maybe just leave people alone. We're just doing our best, with what little understanding we have, I don't think anyone really knows for sure what they are doing, and here is where I WISH I were autistic, because I had some great writer friends with amazing opinions and wording for such things.

Asmodeus is standing by the door. I guess he gets how fucked up things can be. Someone said we're related. I miss how things used to be. I don't know what I'm talking about. He's knocking things down. I don't even know anymore, I can't remember everything, just bits and pieces. Something lightly hit me in the head. I did something sort of wrong, I guess.... He knows every fucked up, nerdy, stupid thing I've done, and still hangs around, how fucking weird and bizarre I am. I really don't know, we are like two opposites, I was a kid left alone on the internet. Now there are a WHOLE BUNCH of weirdos out there, and I didn't even feel like touching my phone today. 

You're not a nerd, you're just dumb.

That's what he says to me, just now, I am sorry he went through so much pain, he's probably suffered and cried more than I have. I think he is so very strong. I wish I were :( I can withstand a lot, my left hemisphere of my brain is malfunctioning, lol, something is going on in there with all of these drugs. Sigh, mine, theirs, ours. He's insulting me, and I'm complimenting him. Maybe I was envious the whole time, but I don't think so. Woa, it became italic by itself. Ok, anyway, maybe it was my manic depression, I mean does this shit follow you into your next life? Maybe, maybe not? I guess if you use drugs and continue doing the same shit, it might. 

It feels even more lonely with Asmodeus here. Like he's making me feel cold, and isolated. 

I'M  SORRY I HURT YOU, I WAS MAD AT YOU FOR PLAYING ALL THOSE GIRLS. 

What about all of them? I just got pissed at you, even though I was another guy. Couldn't you just admit you were wrong? 

ok anyway. conversation with asmodeus...

Well he called me dumb. It used to be effortless to make A's on my high school tests, or any through out any grade, but, I can't do math. An alien prevented my ability, anyway, he said I was figuring out the problems too quickly. Yeah.Zorak. ASMODEUS KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING ME. anyway, Im a fucking guy, wtf am I doing with all of this shit. I wasnt a very good guy, anyway, I said I feel evil. Maybe I was hiding this whole time, some bastard told me he saw straight through me, I guess I had impulses that needed to be met, or something, mostly to get high. Not anything bad, just weed. I don't know, I don't want to look at this anymore.