A little bit of insight

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and frientw/drugs

Truth: I sabotage relationships before they even start because I am trying to hurt them before they hurt me, or make them dislike me before they can hurt me. I am scared of people for how they treated me in my past lives. I was tortured, and humiliated, a pariah. But I am strong, used to have high self esteem and confidence, and friends, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O.F A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL,) sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. No one visits. Dating has not gone well. There's something lacking.

My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground. I am extremely lonely, and suffering in HUD, it's making me a nervous wreck. I'm thinking about moving. But I am good for nothing. Lazy. Don't clean or cook anymore. But there is someone offering a place. This is a secure place to live. But there are so many rules. And the voices, the voices tormenting me with roommates would be awful. They are deep down trauma hounds, and keep playing embarrassing moments and digging for information that is painful for me. I don't ever want to accidentally talk about that stuff. I'm so embarrassed. The voices wanted to make me the laughing stock of the town. I was friends with some of my mind reading spirits. But they keep embarrassing me in front of anything or anyone that talks to me, in my mind. I shouldn't like them because they don't respect boundaries. They shouldn't be reading my mind. I tried prayer, I wrote down prayers to God. And it was like a miracle happened the next day.

I am trying to quit smoking. It's miserable. My nerves in my arms hurt. I tried rubbing some vitamin E oil on them, as per directed by "a spirit" and it worked. The pain went away for days. I'm so confused.These spirits are pretty non judgemental. But it's still embarrassing when the voices (Or Mkultra) go rooting through my mind. It's hours of torment. I don't understand the point of this. It's like being in another world, where in this one my intuition doesn't make sense. I am learning to master my abilities. ds, but drug use occurred and schizophrenia struck. Now I have a lot of time on my hands that I'm sober (S. ON O. OF A B.ITCH E.VERYTHING'S R.EAL, sometimes the phone will ring or I'll have texts, but it's not enough. There's something lacking. My ex told me my thinking is killing me. It's driving me into the ground.

{WIP ~ MAYBE}

Happy tuesday. I'm miserable. ='(

Mkultra keeps calling me stupid and a retard. I'm tired of the "R" word. 

I was a straight A student, but Michael is right, that was a long time ago. One of my frends said she has a 160 iq, Im kinda intimidated. Mine is pretty high, I've been told I am a Genius. But I am not sure sometimes, I have DID, so my memory is shot. Especially from these pills, and Mkultra whiping it clear.

I'm so exhausted of my life. This computer is so slow, this is about the only thing I can do on it. I guess I am ordering an other computer next month. I am sick of my life, I'm miserable, everyday is spent alone. Sometimes I get texts and phone calls. I really feel like "I am bad" and kinda a loser, that's why no one likes me. A reject. ='

"Awh baby don't say that."

*crying*

I tried to kill myself last year, I took an entire bottle of Aspirin, but I regurgitated it, and now I am still alive. God won't let me die, but he keeps letting me take damage. I don't want to be alive, goddamn it. 

I saw people that didn't even belong in the mental hospital there. Awoman had a concussion and they locked her away. Also there was a woman complaining of "bugs" in her skin, she had scabies and they told her she was nuts.

So I guess this is Hell...

I have this delusion people are looking for me. Maybe they are. I use the same screennames, pretty much. I actually met a guy from an online game in real life. Always losing guys to strippers. Sigh. Lost a few to strippers. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone interested in me. Michael was hurting me earlier. I guess he doesn't like that I am really a guy. We had fun last night, what happened? I really don't know. We were listening to the Classic Rock station, and he was telling me he hasn't listened to that type of music in a long time. Mkultra actually MADE ME go lay down in the front room. I'm not asking much, I just want a nice guy with a little bit of a money, a job, and a car. They'd all rather fuck around, be degenerates. I wish I were a guy, fuck. They seem to have more fun and exciting experiences. This is so dull. I don't have the life I had in me anymore.

There's a joke that a guy would fall or the man in a dress if he thinks DiGornio is delivery.

Michael said he fell for the DiGornio. Oh well. 

Feel like God's embarrassed of me. Why doesn't he just say something to me about hard times.

When things aren't good. I am traumatized, and nervous, and possibly could bring an uprising against this God. He's made sure I had a place to stay, and money, cigarettes, and that's more than he does for some people. I guess. 

I really wish I was dead. I am sick of living life everyday in this prison, HUD. I have no money, and nothing to do, and no friends. I am a miserable bastard. Hate everything about myself, always looking for something better. I'm overweight, kinda, a bit chubby, to say the least, and Michael made sure that I ate... He always does. :) At least he does that. Just making sure I don't fall sick, or die, probably.

"It's more than that. I do love you."

Liar... You don't.

Think God wants to end it, too, and it's kind of a big deal. 

This is soo boring, omfg. I wanted to write about the issues I was having, and how I was feeling. But everything just feels like RX. Pills, pills, pills. So many of them. I have DID, and schizoaffective, depression, anxiety. Schizoaffective is bipolar/manic depression. My doctor never allows me to be manic, the least bit hyper. I am secretly taking stackers to stay awake everyday, just doing enough chores to barely skate by, but the house is disgusting and I'm miserable. I really am. I just wish I were dead. I really do. God, do you hear me? I want to fucking die. 

I mean, I feel the damn Giraffe from the Madasgcar movie. With all the pill bottles.And phobias. And syndromes.

They destroyed my mind, my so called family, my so called friends. Some kind of RITE OF PASSAGE, getting loaded all the time, and drunk; we drank everyday like f'ing alcoholics. Now I can hardly stand alcohol. It really got me messed up, now I want to run away, I need a friend or something to escape with. I can't live here anymore, throwing my life away. I wonder what Adam is doing. I wonder if I could go with him. My brain is barely functioning, so I am typing a lot of I SENTENCES. I. DON'T CARE. IT'S my blog, whatever. So .... no one reads it anyway. Except for one person. 

Had pizza for dinner, I'm cute, but I feel like a real creep. My hands, feel long, and whipping. And my eyes feel sinister, and my fingernails are sharp points. I used to have long hair, but I felt traumatized and cut it all off, also got taken by an alien, but talking to these people, you have to try to convince them aliens are real. I need to start talking out loud more, because I'm going quiet. I hardly make a sound. It's just some pathetically etched out existance, and I want to go home. My dad's teacher said he was kinda a genius. My mom, I can't talk to her about anything. None of this intellectual stuff, or philosophy, anything, she just cares about money. She has a pool, and a brand new Traverse SUV. She works hard, though, for her money, and refuses to spend more than necessary on anything.

I wonder if I'm "giving up." It was a struggle to even get in the tub, it'd be an act of kindness if someone were to end my life... I am on four required medications, with four optional. I am quite bizarre, I guess, and I don't make sense to others, even other TI's call me unnecessary and a freak, even other abused people. I am trying to make myself more spiritual, and "shine" like I used to, but I sense Osiris telling me it's okay, not to glow, to go unnoticed. He says he leads a boring life, to boring for the government to be interested. Meanwhile, I wanted to discover the unknown. Maybe I always felt an oppressive feeling by the government. I don't know what the right way to do is, maybe just leave people alone. We're just doing our best, with what little understanding we have, I don't think anyone really knows for sure what they are doing, and here is where I WISH I were autistic, because I had some great writer friends with amazing opinions and wording for such things.

Asmodeus is standing by the door. I guess he gets how fucked up things can be. Someone said we're related. I miss how things used to be. I don't know what I'm talking about. He's knocking things down. I don't even know anymore, I can't remember everything, just bits and pieces. Something lightly hit me in the head. I did something sort of wrong, I guess.... He knows every fucked up, nerdy, stupid thing I've done, and still hangs around, how fucking weird and bizarre I am. I really don't know, we are like two opposites, I was a kid left alone on the internet. Now there are a WHOLE BUNCH of weirdos out there, and I didn't even feel like touching my phone today. 

You're not a nerd, you're just dumb.

That's what he says to me, just now, I am sorry he went through so much pain, he's probably suffered and cried more than I have. I think he is so very strong. I wish I were :( I can withstand a lot, my left hemisphere of my brain is malfunctioning, lol, something is going on in there with all of these drugs. Sigh, mine, theirs, ours. He's insulting me, and I'm complimenting him. Maybe I was envious the whole time, but I don't think so. Woa, it became italic by itself. Ok, anyway, maybe it was my manic depression, I mean does this shit follow you into your next life? Maybe, maybe not? I guess if you use drugs and continue doing the same shit, it might. 

It feels even more lonely with Asmodeus here. Like he's making me feel cold, and isolated. 

I'M  SORRY I HURT YOU, I WAS MAD AT YOU FOR PLAYING ALL THOSE GIRLS. 

What about all of them? I just got pissed at you, even though I was another guy. Couldn't you just admit you were wrong? 

ok anyway. conversation with asmodeus...

Well he called me dumb. It used to be effortless to make A's on my high school tests, or any through out any grade, but, I can't do math. An alien prevented my ability, anyway, he said I was figuring out the problems too quickly. Yeah.Zorak. ASMODEUS KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING ME. anyway, Im a fucking guy, wtf am I doing with all of this shit. I wasnt a very good guy, anyway, I said I feel evil. Maybe I was hiding this whole time, some bastard told me he saw straight through me, I guess I had impulses that needed to be met, or something, mostly to get high. Not anything bad, just weed. I don't know, I don't want to look at this anymore. 

Joker Programming

Joker programming, I am not sure what it really is, but I may, in fact, be THE JOKER, and I'm sitting here realizing that Harley, if we are actually real people, has hurt me a lot. I am poisoned from drugs that we took together, and she is dead. Killed herself. I don't have any photos of her, but out of these fashion magazines or whatever, there was a model that looked like her and I ripped it out and put it on my wall with a picture of a cemetary. There is fake Halloween blood on a mirror, as Thoth told me to make a Shrine for her. Sigh, if Only she knew how much I had  loved her, but my mind is fractured, my personality seems larger than life, but my mind is slipping away.

"insanity is caused by restriction of the brain and the mind"

Everyone knows the Joker was crazy.

But  I remember it was said she was crazier than him and more fearless. Unfortunately, for me, the bad stuff happens to me, and she makes bad stuff to happen to other people. I wonder if my actions in the past poisoned her, but I did care. A lot of things tormented my mind, tried to hurt it. I was neglected, then abused, maybe I deserved it because of the way I treated my family. I just wanted to use drugs.... I was trying to "get away" from them.. figuratively and literally.... to do the drugs, with Harley, or whomever she is ... I don't know, she's a girl whatever I am... and I'm being punished and enslaved. Now they seem to avoid me unless necessary, also, the isolation, has caused me to go mute. My cat, is also, mute. So it's very quiet in here, except for the music, because my mind bothers me, I'm not sure if it's guilt or personal torment, as it appears I am in Hell.

I am just feeling evil and like I want to be in the dark. I want some attention though, a lover, maybe, but I am not sure if I am a guy or a girl.

Jester and Nazi

My personalities have been changing rapidly.

They were working with John. The (re-incarnated) Nazi.

"I'm not reincarnated, I'm still alive."

Cannot have people getting offended, John.

Anyway, I think the house is surrounded by aliens and I really want it to stop. They dig deeply into my subconscious when I sleep. I am like a female Dark Vader. The human men wanted to know about female goths. We are just described as spooky nerds. Lol. Yes by some meme. So I think I am some Female Darth Vader, when I'm secretly some castrated male vampire that "looks like" a woman.

I have an adam's apple and hardly any tits. I'M A MAN.

I wonder why I was castrated. I would love to say that I learned my lesson. That rape is illegal and bad and we shouldn't hurt other people like that, but it is proliferating everywhere. It happens all the time. We can't escape it. It's always women, but people say it is men too, and sometimes it is people who can't cry for help, like a mentally challenged or disturbed person [which some say it is more common than we think.] We would love to think that these people have caretakers. Some don't, and quickly learn that the world is harsh.

I have a strong instinct for sex. That may be why I was a rapist, and other personal details I wish not to disclose in this setting.

They have identified me as a homosexual, and call me Joker. They threatened the chemicals, they desire me to work for them. I was a heartless killer without a conscious. I have no conscious.

They asked me to work for them. I guess some of the girls are pretty cute. But I'm in this predicament now. There is always the future. I think I am a good lover. Unfortunately, I am currently just a Joker, a clown, a jester moreso, for their amusement.

John, viewing Mkultra documentaries with actual brainwashing audio tapes.

John came out after we watched a Mkultra documentary.

John likes to smoke.
We acquired some cigarettes. So does Cassius. And Joker and El.

I guess all in all, we are a smoker. Probably always will be.

Anywho, we were watching this video.

They go to a scene of playing audio recordings of brainwashing.

John comes out and starts thrashing around and looks for his gun.
And his bag of his essentials to being a top Nazi soldier.

He wanted to fight, to break things.

We had to calm him down. We skipped ahead in the clip.

We apparently cannot handle this material.

I am a Jester. And a thought broad caster. That's why I compose so much.

Enter: Cassius.

OH FUCK