I had a very strange dream about my ex girlfriend. I was a guy, in my bed, and she was laying beside me. And I was putting make up on, and I look at her, wondering wtf I am doing, I ask her, saying "You know me better than anyone," What the fuck?! There were cops and stuff, like we were the actual Joker and Harley Quinn.
There was another segment where she was siccing her ex boyfriend on me, and I would've killed him, had I had a weapon ~ He would be dead. I think I am embarrassing her :( My mistake ~ I have tried to be so strong, and some trauma was just covered up, and not really dealt with at all. There was another part where she was trying to get in the restroom with me, and I pulled the lock tight at the top of the door. It seemed she was trying to tease me and make fun of me. I don't know, I really think we need to resolve this. Maybe she will always be mean to me. I know people have tried to torment her in the past, such as over her weight, and (I liked her weight <3, no matter what, but too skinny is not good) but I know now that is something very painful to deal with. It is not something we can easily fix, or hide, to stop others from harassing us.
She claimed to identify as male, but she was a Hell of a lot more Feminine and cute and passing as a woman, than I was. I feel she is used to facilities with a lot of females, I am used to men ~ I think the women are a lot more difficult, as in, to be in one of them, such as a jail, hospital, academy, etc.
In a way, I am glad she is deceased, in that she is not dealing with a Fuggin' Global Pandemic. But I really miss her, but maybe I don't quite have the right parts ~ I am taking a T supplement, I am trying to heal my body with nourishing drinks and foods, to recover from drug abuse. That is like admitting you were abused, it is looked down upon. Neither of these things are anyone's fault. It really feels as though I could place the blame on all of this on her, but in a way she gave me a beautiful gift. Her dad was a hippie, and he would leave his weed and methadone and stuff out, and she would give them to me... She showed me drugs, moreso than my sister or my stepdad, my uncles .. sighs.. history of my dad.. or anything like that.. I don't do them anymore, we never did X or Meth together, but I chose to use them, and I suffer. It is very scary, Mom is obsessed with Doctors and some other Worry Warts too but I REALLY HATE THEM, like a Rabid Wild Animal, would hate going ~ My veins have shriveled, I pray to God about it, that he'll heal me someway, somehow. I am also a very hungry vampire, and I would like a donor ='( I am very scared in general of having needles put in my body, I think my Harley Quinn has hurt me in the past, and I'm Gonna find out what she has done to me ~ I don't want to be apart, I am helplessly in love... With a fucking ghost..... I dream we got married, that we kiss, and have sex, orgasmic dreams... with a ghost.... And then I have this tormenting nightmare, I'm quiet. I want to communicate more to my ex wife than just sex but.... I stumble with my words, I don't know quite what to think of things all the time, I am afraid of her. OH JEEZE COLD PLAY, WE BOTH LOVED THEM. And.. I ruined her ipod or something on Meth.. Whoops :(
Does she really prefer Wes? Well he is married now ~
Is he really in love? Well, I don't know.... Maybe they "had to" get married, according to their families. Who fucking knows, OH, he has AIDS now, he FUCKING cheated on her, and she got mad …. I would've made us a house, a home, I would've tried so damn hard, for us, if I had been a Guy, I would've, I really would have, but I have this huge fear of her running away from me, and if we had one, a family, but I think I really decided that I don't want a family... I am quite tired of them, and I'd never want to torment my child just because, well, some of the things I went through.
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